Black like me || by madison coffey
most days i feel ok
after all the current events are nothing new to those like me
a certain required desensitization that comes with needing to function and exist in a space that has never been for me
our slain bodies, wrongful, hateful deaths of men & women with families, friends, lovers have been occurring for centuries
now caught on camera & shared like chain mail, & realized as a problem
how many brutalized bodies have you seen this week? how many names do you still not know?
do i not know? have you picked up on our reality? did you enjoy your glimpse into the day & life of those like me?
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when our culture is cherry picked & emulated
our performances on the screen, our art, our music lauded & admired, parts of us recognized & accepted
but shamed & called out in the when it comes to speaking out on the very thing that makes us, us
our history, our being - always for the consumption, exploitation & benefit of others
every breath taken is a blessing, our very existence a miracle
we were an unprecedented problem
now a pest control issue
an affliction imposed on by a society who never imagined us to persevere in spite of it all
to not be shackled, not be silent, not be active, not demand justice, not push for equity
to love, to grow, to prosper, to succeed to laugh
even if & especially when we weren’t supposed to
for the men women & children pushing forward like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when i remember being told at 5 years of age on the playground
rushing with excitement to my best friend after christmas break
that his grandfather said he couldn’t be friends with niggers
& the shame that came over me for a wrong that was impossible to right for any child like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when i think about how i had to ask my parents what that word meant that made me feel so sick
entirely too young to be exposed to the horrible history and reality of a country that hated my very being
an onerous right of passage
this conversation every black child has
about how they will be seen, how they must act, how their life is always in danger or not seen as beautiful
from those meant to protect, or a fellow neighbor
although this country was built from the ground up by people like me
fought in wars by people like me
championed, celebrated, kept afloat & designed by people like me
& proceeded to rub my skin raw in the bath that night in an attempt to see if i could escape a blessing i was born with
along with everything
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when i remember learning about the KKK in elementary
the sun down towns that they still to this day flourish in not 2 hours from where i sat in a classroom
how they stole bodies, older than me, children like me
& hung them in trees
like Billie said- what strange fruit we make
our scent heady & our nectar thick & red
dripping into the soil of a scorched ground, swinging in the american breeze in the past, & present
“don't get caught at night in Vidor, Orange, or Santa Fe” my teacher snickered
looking at me, & the only other child in the classroom who was
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel okay
even when i got home from school that day & screamed at my father for moving us to Texas from the east coast
“we could get killed out here” i yelled, “how could you move us to this place”
only to be met with the sobering reality that overt racism was the least of our troubles
as we could see the danger a burning cross, a confederate flag, or swastika posed head on
the reality of our existence is is that we aren’t safe anywhere
coast to coast, north or south
because for people like me & my family
we exist in a nation rooted in racism, genocide, & hate at its fundamental base
there is no guaranteed safety, assurance, or pursuit of liberty & happiness for those like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when i think about a paper i wrote on police brutality & violence against my community in high school in light of Trayvon Martin’s death
detailing how terrified i was for my people, my brothers, my father, my mother, my sister, those like me
for any of my unborn children
& no matter who i would choose to love, any race, any ethnicity
those children would still be like me
would have to love themselves & their skin in spite of the world around them
i received a B-, a first for anything i’d ever written
& while my teacher commended & praised my syntax
she was disappointed that my essay was not founded in “fact or reality”, & called it a “gross exaggeration of a one off incident i was taking too personally”
a grievance not fit for academia, a reality not realized for someone like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
most days i feel ok
even when i think about my Mother, my heart & soul
She is living history
a Woman who integrated two schools in Texas while growing up
who faced the similar hatred & abuse of Ruby Bridges
who had integrated the first southern school only a few short years earlier
my Mother- a testament to the sordid system society functions in today
a Woman very much alive, with a family, with a life, with a voice
just like Ruby
& just like all of those classmates & parents who hated her existence, her Blackness
what rhetoric are they sharing with their families today?
do they still hate Her daringness? Her bravery? Her vulnerability? Her strength? Her resilience?
all traits which She passed on to me
& can be found & identified in those like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
Black like me
today i do not feel ok
i feel heavy, i feel sick, i feel tired
an exhaustion so deep in my bones that rest doesn’t help
because the remedy is not found in sleep
or small breaks away from screens, or yoga, or baked goods, or personal days off
but rooted in justice, in change, in restoration, in action, in accountability
i feel this way because everyday it seems as though we hear of a new name
more often than not
whose life had been taken so long before we learn of it
i feel this way because people continue to deny & fail to advocate for those unlike them
i feel this way because the world doesn’t care that i’ve always been considered an exception to so many “rules”
that i’m from an affluent family
that i’m from one of the most diverse cities in the country
that i speak “well”
that i’m not that “Black”
that i have a great education
that i have so many hopes & dreams
that i love how sunsets blend from fiery reds & pinks to deep purples & blues to showcase the stars
that i get teased for being nerdy
that i know the right people
that i’m well mannered
that i laugh so hard that i'll snort
that i’m an introvert
that i'll always try to guess someones birthday
that i love movies so much i watch them multiple times & write little essays on how they make me feel
that i’m intentional about making sure who i do life with is as rich & diverse & reflective of so many different backgrounds in hopes that it could be resembled in the world we live in one day
that i have people who care about me & love me
that i’m someone's child
that i’m quite literally just me
that being me should be enough
because police brutality doesn’t care about everything that makes me, me
because a person in the park calling the cops doesn't care about everything that makes me, me
because neighborhood watch doesn't care about everything that makes me, me
i have no care for those who see me as an exception or believe that what is happening to Black lives would never happen to someone like me
& i want to be abundantly clear so no mistake can be made about it -
i’m Black like Breonna
i’m Black like Elijah
i’m Black like Ahmaud
i’m Black like Trayvon
i’m Black like Tamir
i’m Black like Toyin
i’m Black like Eric
i’m Black like Oscar
i’m Black like Botham
i’m Black like Philando
i’m Black like George
i’m Black like Sandra
i’m Black like Emmett
i’m Black like Atatiana
i’m Black like every other Woman & man who has been seen as a greater threat because of the color they were born
in them you should see me
in them you should see my Mother
in them you should see my father
in them you should see my Sister
in them you should see my brothers
because for people like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
ultimately
Black like me
there are no exceptions when a gun is in your face, a knee is on your neck, a needle is plunged in your body, or a bullet is ripping through your flesh
i’ll go back to being okay
this i’m wholly sure of
i'll allow myself to grieve in this moment, i’ll give myself the space i need
i'll take the time to heal, regroup, refocus, recenter
then
i'll push for change so this is not a narrative we continue to see repeated across generations
i’ll donate, i’ll protest, i’ll hold those around me accountable
i'll fight for every marginalized group who has been crippled by this place
because it's not enough for just me & mine to be ok
i’ll laugh
i’ll love
i’ll sing
i’ll dance
i'll create
i'll dream
i’ll breathe
i'll breathe
i'll breathe
i’ll take each breath so, so deeply
because for people like me
darker than me, lighter than me, coily haired, thick lipped, tall or short like me
ultimately- Black like me
in spite of it all
we continue to be